I try.. I really do try.
But. Some days,
I find myself almost in a constant state of “numbness” for lack of a better term.
I am pretty even keeled until I’m not. . . .
Feelings lie anyway right? So why care if you no longer have to feel Angry. Sad. Happy. Excited. Heartbroken. Hurt. Upset. Joyful. . . . .
Well.. because, feelings and emotions are what makes us human and not robots.
I’m Scottish and Irish. My ancestors sure have fiery blood running through my veins but, I try to suppress it. To not be so “passionate” / “fiery” which only serves to dull my wits and personality thus, I find myself feeling… well.. feeling nothing. NUMB.
I think the problem is that we’re told all too often to NOT feel X kind of way. AND/OR to STOP feeling X kind of way.. so thus, we suppress our feelings for the benefit of others so THEY FEEL more “comfortable” being around you/dealing with you etc. . .
On the outside. All LOOKS just peachy keen but, on the inside, however; some days I find myself struggling to remember what even stirred my soul.
What lit my fire. What made me excited to get out of bed in the morning.
What makes my heart beat and what lights up my imagination.
To most people, I look as though I have it all. AND have it all together.
TRUTH BOMB!. . . I DON’T .
I am seeking deeper things within myself and healing just like the next person. NO I’m not depressed. I’m SUPPRESSED. Self-imposed for the comfort of others.
It IS TRUE that I lead a pretty darned great life compared to the vast majority of humans treading around and marking time on this ball of dirt.
I have my salvation in Jesus Christ FISRT and FOREMOST and for THAT I AM TRULY JOYFUL and THANKFUL. I have an amazing family! I own successful businesses, I do not want for anything really. I am not extremely wealthy but, I do just fine. I have my circle of friends that I see when I am able. I try to keep by the moniker ‘Live Simply to Simply Live’ I do not flaunt what I have but, rather I share it.
I have been accused of being too generous. I have also been accused of being aloof, too serious, hard to approach. . . So I think with those accusations. I suppress myself.
I do not aim to come off as those things. I’m a deep thinker. I do take some things seriously as serious things should be…. well.. . . . taken…
I find myself always trying to adjust course. Adjust attitude. Adjust. Fine tune. THEN BOOM!!!!
My SCOTTISH BLOOD kicks in and I blow my stack! THEN I FEEL badly. losing self-control is never a good things especially when one claims CHRIST. My humanity does not tolerate my spiritual side well at times. It is a good thing that we’re ALL a work in progress! NO ONE is PERFECT.
Afterall, that’s why the perfect lamb was sent to save us all. No one was worthy. No. Not one.
Ahhh…. What a relief. I don’t have to strive for perfection. I don’t have to beat myself up for falling short. I don’t have to FEEL ashamed. I can ask forgiveness, I can learn from my mistakes but, it is WRONG and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE to stay stuck in that NUMBNESS. THAT fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. The fear of making others uncomfortable just by your very presence.
So I think today, after this time of reflection and self-examination.. . .
I will CHOOSE to NOT STAY NUMB. To MOVE AHEAD with LIFE. With FEELING any way I choose to feel BUT BE RESPONSIBLE for those feelings. Staying in CONTROL but NOT SUPPRESSED. Finding myself again in ALL ASPECTS OF..
What moves me. Excites me. Makes me tick. Makes me. ME.
I hope this real and raw self-examination has helped you in some way.
Until my spirit moves me again to write.
Take Care and God Bless!
Always remember. [WE ALL HAVE CHOICES] Choose Wisely.
X0X0 Barn Mom
AKA Patti (Yeshuazgirl) <><